deed feed high noon moon
Which one do you think is most common in text messages?
Monday, August 13, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Four Fat Presidents
As a US-historian-in-training with a healthy gut, I thought I'd give a shout out to a few of our fattest American Presidents. These are not exactly rankings: instead each man's position on the list comes from a rough equation that factors in both his historical importance and his BMI. So, for example, Clinton ranks below Taft both for his indeterminate legacy (it's too soon to really tell) and his relative svelteness compared to Taft. This is also not a definitive list; alternate nominations are welcome in the comments.
1. Theodore Roosevelt, Jr. T.R. was a fit fattie with the physique of a middle-aged football coach--thick-necked and dense. He still counts as fat, though; he is undoubtedly the pudgiest man on Mount Rushmore. Roosevelt tops the list for his actual accomplishments. A hero of the Spanish-American War, he gave us the Panama Canal, the Food and Drug Administration, and the National Park system. He pulled off numerous diplomatic feats, and became the first American to win a Nobel Peace Prize. He was, on most occasions, an enemy of trusts and a friend to workers. T.R. was also an unabashed imperialist and a leading theorist of scientific racism. Still, the good wins out--the man gave names to the nation's most popular stuffed animal and the nation's most popular condom for anal intercourse. And he graciously aided the people of Africa by considerably thinning the population of big game on the continent.
2. John Adams, Jr. John Adams was a double-chinned douchebag who has recently been overpraised by a handful of book-club biographers. This chubster was a sulky, stubborn, ill-tempered man with a talent for making enemies. (Like many fat boys, Adams surely suffered cruel taunting as a child, and I suspect his need for revenge against his tormentors led to his conception of a monarchical Presidency.) Adams actively sought to criminalize dissent and to scapegoat immigrants, and he tried to pack the federal judiciary with his friends. "His Rotundancy" had some strengths, to be sure. He didn't own slaves, he had keen argumentative mind, and he was a skilled diplomat--both in ensuring Dutch support for the infant republic and avoiding a full-on war with France. But ultimately, Adams is to the Founding Fathers what Chunk is to the Goonies: a grating tag-along with a few moments of usefulness.
3. William Howard Taft. The only real lardass to serve as POTUS, Taft earned the title of "tubby" when his considerable girth caused him to become stuck the White House bathtub multiple times. (I wonder, how many times do you have to get stuck to consider switching to showers?) His reputation is also weighty--as the only man to serve as both President and Chief Justice, Taft made a large impression on government and politics in early 20th-century America, much like the deep, buttock-shaped crater an obese man leaves on his favorite side of the sofa. True, his actual tenure as POTUS revealed him to be politically tone deaf and led to his humiliating reelection defeat--he only carried Utah and Vermont, making the loss the worst ever experienced by an incumbent President. And granted, on the bench he was a conservative who consistently ruled in favor of big business, executive privilege, and segregation. But schoolchildren everywhere in this roly-poly land still remember Taft. Cause he was fat. Really fat. Like Manatee fat. He was a big boy, is what I'm saying.
4. William Jefferson Clinton. Relating Clinton's fondness for food to his other appetites is a tired cliche, so I would prefer to put his pudginess in historical perspective. If Hillary Clinton becomes President, then Clinton will have adhered to the pattern of fat presidents have unusually large political influence after leaving office. If he becomes the only President to return to the White House as First Gentleman, his legacy will be comparable to TR's run for a third term, Taft's tenure as Chief Justice, and the Adams family dynasty. Perhaps there is a genuine trend here. Apparently fat men take to the halls of power like they take to an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's not easy to kick them out.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
14 Best Protest Songs
The genre of music in which the most iconic and embarrassing songs have been written (or, in Elvis's case, performed). Fortunate Son and Eve of Destruction. Blowin' in the Wind and the Dead Prez vegetarian anthem Be Healthy. And any number of other well-meaning but musically horrific songs. It is probably easier nowadays to mock the genre rather than make a credible contribution, despite the fact that the quantity of things to protest is certainly not shrinking. Jeff mentioned Biko already, so I will leave it off the list; and the ones mentioned above can go without saying.
1. Clampdown, the Clash
(My favorite Clash song. Addressed to industrial workers, but strangely biting even in a modern office building. Since I was just in such a building, this song makes it to the top of the list. The men at the factory are old and cunning / you don't owe nothing / boy, get running! / it's the best years of your life they want to steal...)
2. A Change is Gonna Come, Sam Cooke
(An obvious choice, but unavoidable.)
3. We're a Winner, Curtis Mayfield
(A joyous protest song! Pretty much only directed at black people but I love it anyway.)
4. Revolution 1, the Beatles
(Not really suitable for singing at protests -- "Guys, hold on, we need a plan!" -- but probably better than the Lennon songs that are. Although having a plan does indeed seem revolutionary nowadays.)
5. Let Me Die in My Footsteps, by Bob Dylan
(So many to choose from! I'm going with this one because I love it, and also because I am now self-conscious about being obvious. No one has bomb shelters anymore but the song still resonates.)
6. Don't Look Now, CCR
(One of the greatest sets of lyrics in all of music, a good example of how much can be said in a three minute song.)
7. There But for Fortune, Phil Ochs
(I really love this song. Draft Dodger Rag and a few others are still good, but this is probably the only Ochs song that holds up completely. And stabs at the conscience a little, no less.)
8. I Don't Want Nobody to Give Me Nothing (Open Up the Door I'll Get it Myself), by James Brown
(The title is really the only good line in the song. Luckily, it is repeated several dozen times.)
9. Higher Ground, Stevie Wonder
(I actually think the Chili Peppers' cover might be better than the original, but once they start talking about "funky funky sounds" it is hard to take it seriously as a protest.)
10. Bourgeois Blues, Leadbelly
(The title has obviously dated, but still a great song. And D.C. hasn't gotten much more more integrated since he wrote it.)
11. 911 is a Joke, Public Enemy
(One of few songs on this list that might conceivably have produced some change.)
12. Christmas in Washington, Steve Earle
(The most recent song on this list - it's from 1997 - and it expresses nostalgia for a past era of protest instead of any sort of desire for a better future. This is either indicative of the floundering, uncertain state of opposition in this country, or a sign that I am out of touch with what's going on today and have gotten musically as well as politically complacent. In either case, an immensely sad song.)
13. It's Expected I'm Gone, the Minutemen
(I'm not sure how great this song really is, but it is the world's most defiantly pessimistic. The best line: "No hope. See, that's what gives me guts." The next line -- "big fucking shit" -- is not quite so impressive.)
14. Vampire Blues, Neil Young
(The protest is pretty oblique; it's about oil price gouging, but the lyrics drift around the topic. It does contain perhaps my favorite Neil Young verse:
Good times are coming
I hear it everywhere I go
Good times are coming
But they're sure coming slow)
1. Clampdown, the Clash
(My favorite Clash song. Addressed to industrial workers, but strangely biting even in a modern office building. Since I was just in such a building, this song makes it to the top of the list. The men at the factory are old and cunning / you don't owe nothing / boy, get running! / it's the best years of your life they want to steal...)
2. A Change is Gonna Come, Sam Cooke
(An obvious choice, but unavoidable.)
3. We're a Winner, Curtis Mayfield
(A joyous protest song! Pretty much only directed at black people but I love it anyway.)
4. Revolution 1, the Beatles
(Not really suitable for singing at protests -- "Guys, hold on, we need a plan!" -- but probably better than the Lennon songs that are. Although having a plan does indeed seem revolutionary nowadays.)
5. Let Me Die in My Footsteps, by Bob Dylan
(So many to choose from! I'm going with this one because I love it, and also because I am now self-conscious about being obvious. No one has bomb shelters anymore but the song still resonates.)
6. Don't Look Now, CCR
(One of the greatest sets of lyrics in all of music, a good example of how much can be said in a three minute song.)
7. There But for Fortune, Phil Ochs
(I really love this song. Draft Dodger Rag and a few others are still good, but this is probably the only Ochs song that holds up completely. And stabs at the conscience a little, no less.)
8. I Don't Want Nobody to Give Me Nothing (Open Up the Door I'll Get it Myself), by James Brown
(The title is really the only good line in the song. Luckily, it is repeated several dozen times.)
9. Higher Ground, Stevie Wonder
(I actually think the Chili Peppers' cover might be better than the original, but once they start talking about "funky funky sounds" it is hard to take it seriously as a protest.)
10. Bourgeois Blues, Leadbelly
(The title has obviously dated, but still a great song. And D.C. hasn't gotten much more more integrated since he wrote it.)
11. 911 is a Joke, Public Enemy
(One of few songs on this list that might conceivably have produced some change.)
12. Christmas in Washington, Steve Earle
(The most recent song on this list - it's from 1997 - and it expresses nostalgia for a past era of protest instead of any sort of desire for a better future. This is either indicative of the floundering, uncertain state of opposition in this country, or a sign that I am out of touch with what's going on today and have gotten musically as well as politically complacent. In either case, an immensely sad song.)
13. It's Expected I'm Gone, the Minutemen
(I'm not sure how great this song really is, but it is the world's most defiantly pessimistic. The best line: "No hope. See, that's what gives me guts." The next line -- "big fucking shit" -- is not quite so impressive.)
14. Vampire Blues, Neil Young
(The protest is pretty oblique; it's about oil price gouging, but the lyrics drift around the topic. It does contain perhaps my favorite Neil Young verse:
Good times are coming
I hear it everywhere I go
Good times are coming
But they're sure coming slow)
Saturday, July 21, 2007
RE: 10 Worst Movie Gerund Titles
I haven't been on here in a while so bear with me as I comment on an older posting concerning the "10 Worst Movie Gerund Titles". I realize this is not a list, but I wondered if Matt K would provide a little clarification to his post (other comments are certainly welcome)...
Was the implication in #10 that "Being John Malkovich" was also worthy of placement in the list as a bad title? I ask because I cannot think of a title that would have been more appropriate for that film. The others, especially #'s 1, 2, 4, 5 and 8, could easily have been improved upon, #1 perhaps most (Really, who's doing what in that title?) But what else would you have called "Being John Malkovich"? The other titles read like tailer sound bytes summarizing the conflict that has to be overcome/experienced/etc and were probably thrown out at the pitch meeting, but "Malkovich" isn't about anything except being John Malkovich--there's nothing figurative, no double entendre. It would be like remaking "Elizabeth" with the camera's view representing that of the queen. Wouldn't it be fitting for such a film to be called the obvious? It almost seems like the title of "Malkovich" is purposely invoking the other films on your list so it can then play against their duplicity by being straight forward in its delivery.
Was the implication in #10 that "Being John Malkovich" was also worthy of placement in the list as a bad title? I ask because I cannot think of a title that would have been more appropriate for that film. The others, especially #'s 1, 2, 4, 5 and 8, could easily have been improved upon, #1 perhaps most (Really, who's doing what in that title?) But what else would you have called "Being John Malkovich"? The other titles read like tailer sound bytes summarizing the conflict that has to be overcome/experienced/etc and were probably thrown out at the pitch meeting, but "Malkovich" isn't about anything except being John Malkovich--there's nothing figurative, no double entendre. It would be like remaking "Elizabeth" with the camera's view representing that of the queen. Wouldn't it be fitting for such a film to be called the obvious? It almost seems like the title of "Malkovich" is purposely invoking the other films on your list so it can then play against their duplicity by being straight forward in its delivery.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Ten (Top? Who could say?) Rhymes in My iTunes and in My Head
Inspired by Akshay's comment regarding drinking and driving, I thought first of Wilco and second of other rhymes I like, which I determined to be good fodder for my first crack at 'Wigging out.' Apologies for errors. The transcriptions are the work of my ear, memory, and the Internet, imperfect sources all.
Performed by
Song (Album)
10. Wilco
Passenger Side (A.M)
You're gonna make me spill my beer
if you don't learn how to steer.
See above.
9. Chuck Prophet
Run Primo Run (No Other Love)
Primo snorted up his name like he does every year
on the day he came into this world. It makes him feel like Richard Gere.
I don't really like the song, but I have to credit the appearance of Richard Gere.
8. Frank Sinatra
I Get a Kick Out of You (??)
Flying too high with some gal in the sky
is my idea of nothing to do.
. . . and internal rhyme takes the stage! It gets even better if "gal" becomes "guy."
7. Bobby Darin
Clementine (Greatest Hits)
took the foot bridge, way 'cross the water
though she weighed two-ninety nine.
The old bridge trembled and disassembled—
Oops!—dumped her into the foamy brine.
A re-write in which Clementine becomes "chubby Clementine." Extra points for being totally offensive and ridiculous.
6. A tie! Outkast
Hey Ya! (The Love Below)
Why, oh why, oh why, oh,
are we so in denial . . .
Happy Valentine's Day (The Love Below)
Never know because, sh[oo]t, I never tell her.
Ask me about my feelings I’d holla that it’s irrela'.
I don't get myself caught up in the Jello gella' . . .
Roses (The Love Below)
Caroline! See she's the reason for the word "bitch."
I hope she's . . .
and crash, crash, crash into a ditch.
Near rhymes are my favorite, and oh! the delivery on the last one.
5. Langhorne Slim
Drowning (Langhorne Slim w/ Charles Butler)
Here comes the lifeguard.
I'm drowning and she seems so delicious.
I'm grounded with her arms around me,
and I'm blinded by them ugly fishes.
If you don't know Langhorne, you should. He screams real high and wears a hat.
4. Mose Allison
Top Forty (??)
No more philosophic melancholia—
800 pounds of electric genitalia.
What Mose can look forward to when he makes his "big beat, top-forty, rock'n'roll record."
3. Tom Waits
The One the Got Away (Small Change)
And the shroud-tailor measures him for a deep-six holiday.
The stiff is froze, the case is closed, on the one that got away.
This entire song deserves consideration for this list.
2. Joanna Newsom
Emily (Ys)
That the meteorite is a source of the light,
and the meteor's just what we see.
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee.
And the meteorite's just what causes the light,
and the meteor's how it's perceived.
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee
Even though she astronomically confuses meteorites for meteoroids, who can argue that this isn't genius?
1. Tom Waits
Step Right Up (Small Change)
It's sanitized for your protection; it gives you an erection; it wins the election.
Mr. Waits at his best.
Performed by
Song (Album)
10. Wilco
Passenger Side (A.M)
You're gonna make me spill my beer
if you don't learn how to steer.
See above.
9. Chuck Prophet
Run Primo Run (No Other Love)
Primo snorted up his name like he does every year
on the day he came into this world. It makes him feel like Richard Gere.
I don't really like the song, but I have to credit the appearance of Richard Gere.
8. Frank Sinatra
I Get a Kick Out of You (??)
Flying too high with some gal in the sky
is my idea of nothing to do.
. . . and internal rhyme takes the stage! It gets even better if "gal" becomes "guy."
7. Bobby Darin
Clementine (Greatest Hits)
took the foot bridge, way 'cross the water
though she weighed two-ninety nine.
The old bridge trembled and disassembled—
Oops!—dumped her into the foamy brine.
A re-write in which Clementine becomes "chubby Clementine." Extra points for being totally offensive and ridiculous.
6. A tie! Outkast
Hey Ya! (The Love Below)
Why, oh why, oh why, oh,
are we so in denial . . .
Happy Valentine's Day (The Love Below)
Never know because, sh[oo]t, I never tell her.
Ask me about my feelings I’d holla that it’s irrela'.
I don't get myself caught up in the Jello gella' . . .
Roses (The Love Below)
Caroline! See she's the reason for the word "bitch."
I hope she's . . .
and crash, crash, crash into a ditch.
Near rhymes are my favorite, and oh! the delivery on the last one.
5. Langhorne Slim
Drowning (Langhorne Slim w/ Charles Butler)
Here comes the lifeguard.
I'm drowning and she seems so delicious.
I'm grounded with her arms around me,
and I'm blinded by them ugly fishes.
If you don't know Langhorne, you should. He screams real high and wears a hat.
4. Mose Allison
Top Forty (??)
No more philosophic melancholia—
800 pounds of electric genitalia.
What Mose can look forward to when he makes his "big beat, top-forty, rock'n'roll record."
3. Tom Waits
The One the Got Away (Small Change)
And the shroud-tailor measures him for a deep-six holiday.
The stiff is froze, the case is closed, on the one that got away.
This entire song deserves consideration for this list.
2. Joanna Newsom
Emily (Ys)
That the meteorite is a source of the light,
and the meteor's just what we see.
And the meteoroid is a stone that's devoid of the fire that propelled it to thee.
And the meteorite's just what causes the light,
and the meteor's how it's perceived.
And the meteoroid's a bone thrown from the void that lies quiet in offering to thee
Even though she astronomically confuses meteorites for meteoroids, who can argue that this isn't genius?
1. Tom Waits
Step Right Up (Small Change)
It's sanitized for your protection; it gives you an erection; it wins the election.
Mr. Waits at his best.
Top 5 TV Sit-Coms
5. Green Acres
4. The Dick Van Dyke Show
2. MASH and All in the Family (tie)
1. Seinfeld
4. The Dick Van Dyke Show
2. MASH and All in the Family (tie)
1. Seinfeld
Top 5 Westerns
5. Silverado (1985) - This Lawrence Kasdan written and directed film boasts an all star cast and helped to reinvigorate interest in the genre.
4. Unforgiven (1992) - Clint Eastwood shows he learned a thing or two about film making from starring in all those spaghetti westerns.
3. True Grit (1969) - John Wayne won his Oscar for this one; probably not his best film, but a good western.
2. Shane (1953) - A great telling of the classic lone drifter story.
1. High Noon (1952) - Gary Cooper, Grace Kelley, and the story of a man determined to do the right thing despite the odds and being abandoned by the people he thought were his friends...just a great movie.
4. Unforgiven (1992) - Clint Eastwood shows he learned a thing or two about film making from starring in all those spaghetti westerns.
3. True Grit (1969) - John Wayne won his Oscar for this one; probably not his best film, but a good western.
2. Shane (1953) - A great telling of the classic lone drifter story.
1. High Noon (1952) - Gary Cooper, Grace Kelley, and the story of a man determined to do the right thing despite the odds and being abandoned by the people he thought were his friends...just a great movie.
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